I've written about this very touchy but important matter in the past.
When two people decide to marry or enter into a domestic relationship and children are either born or adopted as a result of the union, being a good parent should be top priority. However, if the union between the parties fails to withstand the test of time, and the parties feel it's better for everyone, including the children to not live together as a family, the adults in the relationship really need to address all factors with their minor children. Of course, if there was violence, alcohol, drug, extra-marital affairs, rampant cheating, or gambling, this makes the situation even worse when it comes to telling the children.
Today on the Dr. Phil Show, it portrayed a horrific example of a divorced couple. They had three beautiful children together and after 13 years of marriage, they separated and divorced. The mother obviously has issues with her former husband, even though she is remarried. The former husband has issues with his former wife, especially with her inability to tell the truth. The former wife often referred to her children's father as "the sperm donor person" in earshot of the children. I do not approve of that type of talk from an adult person. It's very destructive, demeaning and inappropriate.
Another bone of contention I have with the former wife is the fact how she willfully withheld visitation with the children and their father. Folks, this is one of my most grievous pet peeves ever! In Illinois, interference with child visitation is considered a criminal offense. Well, that sounds great, except the law enforcement community rarely upholds it. Yep, you guessed it, another idiotic law on the books that is pretty worthless.
It was also revealed on the Dr. Phil Show, the former husband and father of the children is $29K in arrears of his child support payments. This I do not approve at all. You can divorce your spouse but not your children. It's as simple as that. Child support is the law of the land. If you are unable to pay your legal and court ordered child support because of job loss, illness, then before it becomes a serious issue, you need to go back to court and get it reduced on a temporary basis. It is unconscionable to have children go without proper clothing or food.
Separation and divorce are tough issues to work through. However, using your minor children as pawns and weapons against the other former spouse is something that is very destructive to the children. Children of separated and divorced families I consider as special needs children. They need reinforcement and loving support from both Mom and Dad. It's even more tricky when Mom or Dad remarry and there is a blended family to try to keep together.
THE FAMILY STEPS:
1. Never, ever make detrimental or derogatory comments about your former spouse or partner in front of your children.
2. Honor your child support obligation. If a situation arises (illness, job loss) be open about this with your former spouse or partner, and go to court on a Motion for Temporary Reduction. Silence in this case, is not golden.
3. Never use alcohol or drugs in front of your children, ever.
4. Do not withhold visitation with your children against your former spouse or partner.
5. Keep your contact information up to date such as cell phone numbers, work numbers and home telephone numbers.
6. Never discuss your separation or divorce matters in front of your child or children. This includes child support, spousal maintenance or other financial issues. This is between the adults, not the children.
Taking and adopting the high road in separated and divorced families adopts and nurtures a positive approach to healing and keeping your child or children feel secure and most of all, loved.
Copyright, 2012, by Peeper Talk. All rights reserved.
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